The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Randomize
