I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
