Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
