I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
