He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
