Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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