We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
