I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
