Sorry, I don't speak sober.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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