I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
