I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
