I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Randomize
