So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
