I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
