I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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