i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Randomize
