Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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