I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
