My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
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