Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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