woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
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