You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize