Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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