i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Randomize
