What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
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