My sheets look like a crime scene.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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