I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
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