Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
