Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize