booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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