This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
