A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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