is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
