I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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