Have you finally orgasmed yet?
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
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