I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
