He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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