You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
