New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
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