woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
