I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
