Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
NoShamevember. You game?
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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