Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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