The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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