i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
how drunk are you?
Several
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Randomize
