I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
