oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Randomize
