i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
