why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.