Don't make out with my wife yet
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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