Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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