Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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