just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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