Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Did I show you my penis last night?
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
