Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
