Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
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