If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
My feet surprised me
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