So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
